"Heifers" Bonding Over Mommy Issues? — Let's Unpack That!

"Heifers" Bonding Over Mommy Issues? — Let's Unpack That!

5 minute read

After a rewatch of the hit 2000 series Girlfriends, I think I finally cracked the code! William Dent, the lone male figure within the female-dominated friend group, often questioned what sparked the tension and drama within the group. His hypothesis? Suppressed lesbian desires. However, after revisiting the series with fresh eyes, I’ve developed a different and, frankly, more realistic theory.

If you haven't watched the show, here's a quick character breakdown. Joan Clayton is the driven type-A personality, and maternal friend, with hopes of finding a man, motherhood, and making junior partner within her firm. Lynn Searcy is the sexually liberated creative, biracial adoptee, and serial degree seeker, who is chronically jobless and homeless. Toni Childs "specializes in results" as a successful real estate agent, with expensive taste. Adopting a more hypergamist ideology to ensure that she never returns to her former life as a country girl from Frezno. Last but not least, Maya Wilkes was a young mother, altering her overall perspective and life goals. As a wife and secretary for Joan, Maya seamlessly blended into the three person friend group. Emphasizing that ghetto fabulous is in, and "a kiss is both a noun and a verb." 

Many think pieces have dissected the complex dynamics between the women, especially the love-hate friendship between Joan and Toni. Yet few, if any, have addressed the real underlying force that bonded these women: mommy issues. Yes, those heifers (as William so affectionately calls them) were trauma-bonded by their shared struggles with mother figures. This is a classic example of mother figure obsession psychology. And if you're wondering, "Do I have mommy issues?" or "What are mommy issues?" this series might feel oddly familiar.

In this article we breakdown the mother figure obsession psychology, mommy issues examples, and how they manifested within Toni, Joan, and Lynn primarily!

In this article, we’ll break down:

Mommy issues meaning and how it plays out in Girlfriends

Clear mommy issue signs seen in Joan, Lynn, and Toni

Specific mommy issues examples from key episodes

A deeper look into what causes mommy issues, especially in women

The emotional realities of women with mommy issues

And yes, what it means to say "I have mommy issues"

Girlfriends wasn’t just about friendship, fashion, and finding the one. It gave us a raw and sometimes humorous look into unresolved maternal trauma. If you’ve ever questioned your own mother-daughter dynamics, this breakdown is for you.

What Causes Mommy Issues?

Mommy issues are often fostered during early childhood when pivotal bonding and attachment phases are neglected through too much or too little parenting. 

Mommy Issues Examples In The Girls of Girlfriends: Utilizing the 'Where is Your Mother' workbook to identify attachment styles. 

Joan Clayton: Avoidant-dismissive attachment

  • Overachiever due to expectations fostered during childhood
  • Obtains a false sense of fulfilled from friends and work
  • Male-centered, often times painfully desperate 
  • Adult-child of a hypercritical mother who emphasized worth based on achievements, accomplishments, and productivity
  • Chronic people pleaser and altruistic 
  • Perfectionist and rigid 
  • Enabler of Lynn (S1:E7)
A woman with curly hair pulled back in a ponytail, wearing a sleeveless magenta top, sits at an office desk reading a document with a focused expression, surrounded by folders and papers.

Toni Childs:Disorganized attachment

  • Adult-child of a parent that struggled with addiction 
  • Poverty trauma  
  • Poor boundaries and reactionary responses (i.e. attempting to sleep with your best friend's boyfriend as revenge) 
  • Negative attention-seeking behavior 
  • Narcissistic tendencies 
  • Harbors an immense sense of shame of past 
  • Prioritizes financial security and transactional relationships over emotional connection 
  • Victimizes self during moments of conflict or contention  
  • Raised by older sister, but believes that her older sister is "jealous" and resentful 
  • Appears shallow and superficial 
  • Materialistic 
A woman with a sleek high ponytail wearing a sleeveless red ruffled blouse sits on a patterned sofa, looking surprised or taken aback while gesturing with her hand.

Lynn Searcy: Anxious (or ambivalent) attachment 

  • Noncommittal 
  • Often pursues short-term and emotionally unavailable men 
  • Evades responsibility
  • Feels an immense sense of abandonment  
  • Intellectualizer
  • Utilizes Joan to fill her mother-wound void
  • Racial identity disturbances (in youth and college) 
  • "All over the place." 
A woman with a straight black hair wearing a halter purple blouse sits on a chair, looking shocked or taken aback while hands are extended.

*Maya Wilkes: Maya (for the most part) held those heifers accountable. Therefore, attachment style is irrelevant for Maya, as she had a somewhat healthy relationship with her mother. However, Maya did  struggle with stage two of the Mother-daughter lifecycle identity formation. When her mom began to date, Maya lashed out. Yet, Maya is not guilt-free. Arguably, Maya took advantage of Joan's people-pleasing, maternal nature, and lack of boundary enforcement to her advantage. 

A woman with long straight black hair and bangs wearing a fitted lavender tank top sits on a couch with a laptop on one side and an open book on her lap, pointing to her head thoughtfully.

The Friendship Dynamic That May Fail Every Time:

Toni ended the friendship with Joan in season 6 of the series, but are we surprised? Joan amidst countless empty threats struggled with boundary setting and conflict avoidance. Therefore, Joan ending the friendship officially, required self-accountability, therapy, and deep reflection. 
When Joan began to prioritize herself, maintaining the maternal altruistic role became difficult leaving Toni feeling abandoned and neglected. Joan extended the utmost amount of grace towards Toni, but when Joan failed to show up for Toni, that was enough for Toni to cut the cord. 
The friendship dynamic between Joan and Toni is not uncommon and makes for great television. This friendship dynamic is discussed more in-depth here.
The people-pleaser and self-centered/transactional friendship dynamic will fail (almost) every time. Women with mommy issues tend to struggles with self-doubt, people-pleasing tendencies, difficulty setting boundaries, and a tendency to overfunction in relationships. With the unhealthy dynamic presented, one or both may feel unfulfilled at any given point. The self-centered friend seeks support and resources, while the people-pleaser seeks validation and security. The roles are not exclusive and often fluctuate. 

Although these friendship dynamics may fail, there is hope! We discuss tips for overcoming people pleasing and codependency in friendships from the perspective of the first-born daughter. 

In closing, Joan, Lynn, and Toni believed their biggest shortcoming was their relationships with men, but in reality, it was their relationship with their mothers. Those "heifers" struggled with their unresolved mommy-issues, which manifested in their friendship. The relationship was faulted, but there were core strengths and each girlfriend served as mirrors for another. Mirroring their deepest insecurities and longings.  


 


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